Physical Intimacy

How to Get the Spark Back in Your Relationship: 6 Tips to Try Today!

A heterosexual couple kissing outside in a field, they are looking to get the spark back in their relationship.

May 25, 2023

I'm Alana
I'm a Couples and Sex Therapist. For over a decade I have been working with partners and individuals, just like you, on their journey to a stronger relationship, a more fulfilling sex life, and finding their true sexual selves.
TOp categories
Safeguarding Your Relationship Against the Sexual Slump
Gimme that!

Free Download!

hi there!

Wanting to feel the spark in your relationship again?

Relationships are rarely easy. Anyone who tells you a romantic relationship doesn’t take hard work is probably not the best source of relationship advice. And while it’s true that, as time goes on, it’s natural for the initial excitement to fade away, this doesn’t mean that we’re stuck in a perpetual state of feeling like roommates sharing a bed.

After being with someone for awhile, we have this tendency to settle into ourselves and with each other. This often happens when the ‘honeymoon phase’ comes to an end. As we start to enter into the Realization Stage of our relationship, we begin to notice that we desire sex and intimacy differently from our partner or spouse. But feeling as though the spark is fading is not a death sentence for romance! Here are a few tips on how to reignite the spark in your relationship:


I know, I say this one every time, but it’s because communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship. If you feel like the spark has gone out, it’s time to have an open and honest conversation with your partner. Express your feelings, wants and needs, and ask them to do the same. This will help you both understand what is missing and what you can do to reignite the spark.

It’s important to be honest and vulnerable when communicating with your partner. Don’t hold back your feelings or hide what’s bothering you. At the same time, don’t use this as an opportunity to blame or browbeat your partner for the mess you both find yourselves in. When you communicate openly and with kindness, you create a safe and supportive environment where you can work together to strengthen your relationship.

This kind of communication also helps you to avoid the dreaded Escalation Stage of intimate breakdown and keeps you from landing in the sexual slump (if you haven’t already).

Go on a Date

One effective way to reignite the spark in your relationship is to go on a date with your partner. A special night out can be a great opportunity to reconnect and remember why you fell in love in the first place. Whether you choose to dine at a new restaurant or take a walk in the park, the key is to do something that you both enjoy and find meaningful.

During your date night, make a conscious effort to set aside any distractions that might detract from the experience. Put away your phones and avoid checking work emails, so that you can both fully engage with each other and the moment. This will help you create a sense of intimacy and focus that can help rekindle the passion in your relationship.

Remember, the goal of your date night is not necessarily to force the spark to come back, but rather to create a space for it to emerge naturally. By spending quality time together and sharing new experiences, you may find that you naturally start to feel more attracted to your partner and that the intimacy you once shared can return. Even if it doesn’t happen right away, taking the time to connect with your partner can be a positive step towards rekindling the spark and strengthening your relationship.

Surprise Each Other

Surprising your partner with something special can be a great way to reignite the spark. It could be something small like a gift or a thoughtful gesture, or something big like a surprise trip. The element of surprise can inject a sense of novelty into your relationship, and relationships without novelty are often the ones needing a spark. Surprises can help to bring back that sense of excitement and anticipation in your relationship.

Think about what your partner loves and surprise them with something that shows how much you care. It doesn’t have to be expensive or extravagant; oftentimes it’s the little things that count. Don’t overthink it!

You may find that your partner is equally motivated to surprise you back, which can just increase the sense of newness, spontaneity and excitement in your marriage or partnership.

Speaking of Novelty, Try Something New

Doing something new together can be a great way to reconnect and reignite the spark. Whether it’s taking a dance class, learning a new language, or trying a new hobby, the important thing is to do something that you both enjoy and that you haven’t done before.

Trying new things together can help you create new memories and experiences. It can also bring back the excitement and curiosity that you felt when you first started dating. Truly, learning something new together can help you both grow as individuals and as a couple.

Show Your Appreciation

Often, we get caught up in the day-to-day routine and forget to express our gratitude for the small things our partners do for us. And it turns out, an effective way of reigniting the spark in your relationship is to show your partner appreciation. Taking the time to acknowledge and thank them for their efforts can make a big difference in how they feel about themselves and your relationship. It can also stop us from getting sucked into the settled feeling that comes with the Realization Stage.

So make a conscious effort to express your gratitude for the little things your partner does. Whether it’s making breakfast, taking care of the kids, or doing the laundry, make sure to let them know that you see and appreciate their efforts. This will show them that you value them as a partner and that you don’t take their contributions for granted!

In addition to expressing gratitude for the things they do, take the time to tell your partner how much you love and appreciate them on the whole. Communicate your feelings in a sincere and heartfelt way, and don’t be afraid to be vulnerable. This will make your partner feel valued and loved, and can help to bring back the spark in your relationship.

Take a Break from Routine

It’s not uncommon for relationships to lose their spark when we settle down. A big part of the Realization Stage is settling into routines and old habits while simultaneously realizing that our desire for each other is settling too. Breaking free of those constraints has the potential to spice things up and help you get that spark back in your relationship.

One effective way to rejuvenate things is to take a break from your regular routine. This could mean planning a weekend getaway, going on an adventure together, or trying a new activity that you’ve never done before. By breaking out of familiar patterns and trying something new, you and your partner will have the opportunity to see each other in a new light.

Sometimes getting the spark back just takes a shift in perspective!

There are lots of things you can do to rekindle the spark of passion in your partnership. But if you’re finding you need a little more help than just, “go on a date,” consider getting my free guide to Safeguarding Against the Sexual Slump. Over my years of experience working with couples, I’ve acquired a few insights and ideas. Particularly for spouses and partners who’ve found that their intimacy has given way to distance and disconnection.

And if you’re interested in learning more about getting the spark back in your relationship, consider signing up for my email list and keep an eye out for updates here on the blog.

Alana Ogilvie, LMFT, CST Portland Sex Therapy

Looking for a quick win?

Losing the passion and excitement in a long-term relationship is NOT a foregone conclusion! If you know the roadmap to sexual disconnection, you can come back from (or steer clear of) intimate breakdown altogether!

Download my guide today to learn about the stages that lead relationships to less sexual and emotional connection and what you can do when it starts happening to you.

Please note that signing up for this free download will add you to my email list. Your information is 100% secure & you can unsubscribe at any time.

Escaping Intimate Breakdown


Don't forget to follow me for tips, updates and announcements!